St. Benedict
As I spent time studying St. Benedict, the Rule of Benedict, and Benedictine Spirituality in general; I struggled with some of the key concepts presented. However, by befriending St. Benedict I was able to experience his struggles and our struggles became intertwined. I shared in his deep intimacy with God. I had to seek out additional healing within my own heart to be able to accept what this wonderful tradition has to offer. I found consolation in recognizing that he too had to grapple with the issues he faced. The first concept that I struggled with was obedience. The root of obedience is listening and discerning at a personal level.[1] As I read the Rule of Benedict and Columba Stewart’s insights regarding obedience, I initially was turned off by the concept of obedience because of negative connotations I had regarding the word obedience as one person dominating another. I previously viewed obedience as a vow or grace that I had no interest in attaining. As I reflected further on St. Benedict’s teaching regarding obedience becoming fully mutual as the members of the community act with ‘most fervent love’, I began to view this as something desirable and attainable.[2] In addition, when I realized the Latin root meaning of the word obedience is listening in silence and discernment on a personal level, as a Spiritual Director, I grappled with this new meaning as listening and discerning God’s small voice and a new door opened for me. I embraced obedience as something I desired and could attain.
In my humanity, I have struggled to know God’s will and to be obedient to God’s small voice. I am grateful that I have come to a deeper realization that in all these years of being in spiritual direction discerning the patterns in my own life and becoming more and more aware of God’s presence in my daily life and striving to hear God’s voice in my daily prayer that I have been being obedient. I had to see obedience from the perspective of a loving God who would never harshly dominate me or anyone else, before I could accept obedience as something I desired. Going forward, I will enthusiastically incorporate a request for the grace of obedience in my daily prayers and begin to articulate my new understanding when delivering conferences in my retreat ministry.
The second topic from St. Benedict that has helped me tremendously to recognize that our growth in holiness is not for ourselves is that personal salvation is interdependent on how we live in community. I am not complete without the community and cannot grow spiritually in isolation and this concept is not something that is only applicable in a monastery.[3] Columba Stewart suggests that for St. Benedict, total dependence on God rather than on one’s own desires and preferences develops best in community.[4] I came to understand that my initial resistance to this insight was deeply rooted in the individualistic culture in which we live. As I reflected on the Rule of Benedict and Stewart’s insights on community, I immediately thought of one of the Catholic Social Teaching Themes which is that we are all called to family, community, and participation.[5] In pondering these thoughts, I recalled that it is in relationships that our virtues are called forth and where we are called to fulfill the greatest commandment to love one another as the Lord loves us.[6] My own life’s journey came to mind and how I have no problem finding God in what most people would call sacred spaces and in solitude, but how I have often failed to find Him in the workplace and in the messiness of family struggles. I was convicted about my own role in the relationship problems that exist in my life. During one of my eight-day directed silent retreats, with the help of Fr. Fagin’s book, “Putting on the Heart of Christ”, I realized I had succumbed to the Army of Satan and was filled with compunction when I realized my own sinfulness and shame in relation to some of the relational issues. As I went deeper in prayer about my own sinfulness in relationships, what I came to was a deeper realization of what being a “6” on the Enneagram means for me. I noticed a pattern in my own life of over working or being overly responsible and then becoming resentful of others about the state of my life. I know now that as a “6”, I have worked most of my life out of fear rather than love. I worked to survive and often times compromised both work and family relationships along the way. Through prayer, I was convicted and came to a profound realization that I was in need of spiritual freedom. As much as I can see how God has been faithful in my life, I always get caught up in the uncertainty and unknowing of what next. I recognized my own lack of trust and dependence on God and its negative implications. Amazingly, it was the following two scripture passages “perfect love drives out fear”[7] and “but whenever a person turns to the Lord the veil is removed…there is freedom….all of us, gazing with unveiled faces on glory of the Lord are being transformed into the same image”[8] that helped me to realize that my early conditioning of a punishing God keeps resurfacing and that I am in continual need of relying on God to transform my heart.
I am so grateful for the healing power and the loving mercy of Our Lord. I know now that part of my ongoing struggle will include this continual tension of fear and that I will have to pray for the grace to become more and more aware of when I am losing my spiritual freedom and succumbing to the Army of Satan. I have asked my ongoing spiritual director to help me be accountable in regards to purifying my motives for action. I will strive to live out the beatitude “blessed are the pure of heart” and rely on God’s grace in making decisions. I will also strive to be diligent about journaling so that the patterns will be evident sooner.
Questions to Ponder:
- What bubbles up inside of you when you hear the word “obedience“? Any negative connotations?
- How might befriending St. Benedict help you to understand what being obedient really means?
- How do you view your personal growth in Holiness? Is it for you or for the community?
- How might the individualism promoted in our culture be affecting your relationships?
[1] Columba Stewart, OSB, Prayer and Community: The Benedictine Tradition, (Maryknoll, New York: Orbis Books, 1998), 54.
[2] Ibid., 54-56.
[3] Ibid., 54.
[4] Ibid.
[5] United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Call to Family, Community and Participation, http://www.usccb.org/beliefs-and-teachings/what-we-believe/catholic-social-teaching/call-to-family-community-and-participation.cfm (accessed August 1, 2013).
[6] John 15: 12, NAB.
[7] 1 John 4: 18, NAB.
[8] 2 Cor 3: 16-18, NAB.
“Taken from the The Hopeless Romantic: Falling in Love with God site of Patti Clement. www.patticlement.wordpress.com Used with Permission.”
The Hopeless Romantic: Falling in Love with God 